The Republic of Heaven

Hello, everyone. I'm new to this forum, and this is my first post here. I just completed the first chapter of a fanfic for the HDM series, and I want to know what you think. Here it is:

THE SPLIT

“… today will forever be remembered as the day the world stopped making sense.”
- Andrea Schmidt, London reporter, the day of The Split

Chapter 1 – Spasm

Dr. Mary Malone strolled through central park. It was a bright, sunny spring day, and the temperature was perfect. It had rained just the day before, so the air was completely free from smog. She took a deep breath, then looked up at the sky and smiled. The next day, she would have to attend an important conference on particle physics, and the day after that, she would return to England, but today, she had nothing else to do but enjoy New York City.
Her relaxation was interrupted by a nagging thought. She felt worried about Will’s Mother. It was Mary who usually took care of her while Will was at school, but for now, she was an ocean away. If something happened to Will’s mother while Will was at school, there would be nobody there to help her.
Mary tried reassuring herself that it would be okay, that she had been okay alone for pretty much all of the years before she had started taking care of her, and that there was no reason that it would be any different for the few days of her trip. Besides, she thought, this conference is crucial to my career. It’s not like I have much of a choice.
Yet still, the worry didn’t leave her. She continued trying to ignore it for a second, but then she got an idea. She began to bring herself into the state of mind she had learned only a few years ago. She had done it so often now that it was as natural as moving her arm.
Almost immediately, her surroundings changed. The park was now twice as populated than it had been only a second ago. She looked at the snack vender standing nearby with his cart. On his shoulder rested a bright green parrot. Nearby was a young woman jogging with a greyhound running beside her. Mary smiled. She had always found it fascinating to see the daemons of others. She had been doing it for four years now, but it still filled her with a sense of fantastical wonder. Even so, she always felt slightly guilty when she did it. Not so much as Will, who almost never did it because he felt it was breach of privacy to glance at people’s inner nature, but enough to never fully enjoy it.
Of course, these daemons weren’t like the ones in Lyra’s world. They were, for the most part, inside of these people, and had little physical presence outside. She liked to think of them as waves of potential, always there but never breaking; Not exactly existing outside of their humans, so much as showing what they would look like if they did.
Mary then looked at her own daemon, remembering her original intention. The alpine chough looked extremely nervous; Shifting from foot to foot, ruffling its feathers, and so forth. She had expected to see him like this before laying eyes upon him, but did it anyway to confirm her little theory. She had guessed that all of the worry about Will’s mother was coming from her daemon, and there he was, looking as nervous as that worrisome voice in the back of her head. She didn’t bother talking to him. There was no need. He had never spoken to her before; every concern he had to voice immediately popped into her head. That was where he was, after all, inside her head, just like the daemons of everyone else in her world. Well, almost everyone.
Her thoughts turned to Will’s daemon, Kirjava. Kirjava was a special case. She was like the daemons of Lyra’s world, in that she existed separate from Will and conversed with him regularly, but she was invisible to most people. Mary could see her now without going into this state of mind, and it was difficult not to see her. Still, everyone other than Will and her looked straight through Kirjava as if she wasn’t there. She was indeed unique, bearing traits of daemons from Lyra’s world and this one.
Mary began to look across the pond, smiling again. She was finally beginning to feel more at ease, and enjoyed it greatly. A gentle wind began to blow, causing the trees to slowly sway. She closed her eyes for a moment and let the feelings of peace fully envelope her. It was truly a perfect day.
But then, right when everything began to seem right with the world, it happened. Mary suddenly felt as if some invisible force had taken hold of her and shaken her vigorously. She had no idea what it was, but nonetheless, it continued. The convulsion lasted for about ten seconds, and stopped as quickly as it had started. She stood dazed for a moment, but then began to look around. At first, she was afraid people would be looking at her after what had just happened, but a quick survey of the area revealed that she wasn’t the only victim. All over, people were looking around, confused. Some had fallen over, and a few were even unconscious from hitting their heads on the pavement. It seemed that everyone had experienced what Mary just had, and this bewildered as well as terrified her.
But there was something else, too. Something different about the people’s daemons. They seemed more solid, more tangible; nothing like how they were only moments ago. She wasn’t sure what to make of it at first, but then it came to her like a lightning bolt: they were just like the daemons of Lyra’s world. And then she realized something even more shocking: the people could see them.
Mary froze. She immediately knew exactly what would happen, and she knew it wouldn’t be pretty, but she was so frozen with fear that she simply stood there and watched it play out.
The confusion in the crowd had subsided and was replaced with disbelief. The people stared dumbfounded at these strange animals that had appeared out of nowhere, everyone looking as if they expected to wake up in the next few seconds. They blinked. Their daemons blinked. And then, almost as quickly as the initial spasm had begun, a wave of panic washed over the crowd.
Screams erupted from everywhere, and people began to run in every direction. Mary saw a woman dash away quickly. Her daemon, who was a crocodile, couldn’t keep up, and the woman began to get steadily weaker the further she got. Still she ran, and only a moment later, the crocodile vanished, and the woman fell over, dead.
Mary, now finding her voice, began to yell over the crowd as best she could. “STOP! THEY’RE PART OF YOU! DON’T RUN FROM THEM! YOU’LL DIE IF YOU DO! PLEASE! DON’T RUN! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”
And so she continued, all the while worrying about what was happening back in England.

*****
Will Parry opened the door and walked into the office. He slowly walked toward the desk and took a seat across from a balding middle-aged man. His daemon Kirjava quickly ran beneath the desk and sat there.
“Will Parry,” said the man, “You’re the last person I’d expect to see in here. What are you here for?”
“Ms. Marcus didn’t call?”
“No, she-” The phone rang suddenly. The man picked up the phone.
“Yes?..... Yes. He’s here with me now….. You sent him for what?..... Look, Marian, I know you want to keep your students in check, but you need to remember that the principal’s office isn’t the only punishment….. No, this doesn’t mean I won’t punish him, I just don’t want you to be so quick to send people here. My job concerns more severe offences. Little things like that are your problem….. I certainly hope you will….. Goodbye.”
He hung up the phone and looked at Will. “Well, it seems you’ve failed to turn in the homework you were assigned over the weekend.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Mr. Herbert. I was helping a friend pack for a trip, and forgot.”
“Certainly it couldn’t have taken both Saturday and Sunday to pack.”
“I know, I know. I messed up. I got tired from packing and forgot.”
Mr. Herbert paused. “Well, then you have no real excuse, then, do you. You should have worked on Sunday. I’m afraid this won’t go unpunished, Will, and I well aware that this is your first missed assignment this year, so don’t even try mentioning that. I expect you to report to detention after class today, and-”
Without warning, Mr. Herbert began to shake violently in his chair. Will, not knowing what was happening, tried to back away, but before he could, every muscle in his body involuntarily tensed, leaving him unable to move. All he was able to do was sit there, watching his principal have what appeared to be a seizure. Then, Will’s muscles relaxed again at the same moment that Mr. Herbert’s spasm ended. Both sat there for several seconds, not saying a word, until Mr. Herbert broke the silence. “What the bloody hell was that?!” he said. Will didn’t respond. He sat there, unsure what to do, when he noticed a wasp flying around the office. Mr. Herbert noticed it too.
“Now how did that get in here?” he said in an aggravated tone, seeming to completely forget what had happened just a moment ago. Will shifted nervously in his chair as the principal rolled up a stack of papers and began swatting at the insect.
“Umm, Mr. Herbert, I don’t think you should provoke it.”
“Calm down. I’ll have him in a second.”
Before Will could say anything else, he began to hear screams coming from the hallway. Not angry shouts, or cheering, but screams of pure terror.
“Mr. Herbert?!”
“What?!”
“I think there’s something happening in the hallway. I hear screaming.”
“Let security take care of it. I’ll be out there once I deal with this disturbance.”
“Should I check and see what it is?”
“No. I don’t want you to leave until I know what’s happening out there.”
Will looked around uneasily. He began to listen to the screaming to see if he could find out what it was about. As he listened, he began to hear something else. There was a tiny female voice coming from within the room. “No! Stop! Please! Put the paper down! Don’t hit me!”
And then Will knew where the voice was coming from. It was coming from the wasp.
“Mr. Herbert!” Will shouted.
“SHH! I’m trying to focus here!”
“STOP!” screamed the wasp, “I’m you! Please don’t!”
“Who is that? Can’t you see I’m occupied?”
“Listen!” yelled Will, “Don’t kill the bug!”
“Yes! Listen to the boy! Don’t kill me!”
“Will!” bellowed the principal, still going after the bug “I don’t know where you learned ventriloquism, but this isn’t funny.”
“But-” he stopped. It was no use. Mr. Herbert was the kind of person who couldn’t stand to be bothered. When he found something that annoyed him, he wouldn’t rest until the nuisance was gone, and there was nothing anyone could say or do that would stop him.
Mr. Herbert had the wasp cornered now. It let out one final cry before the principal scored a direct hit. “GOTCHA!” the principal yelled triumphantly, and immediately collapsed on the floor, dead.

So that's my first chapter. It might still need revising, so constructive criticism is welcome. Please comment.

Edit: I've changed what Mr. Herbert says so his personality better fits his daemon.

That looks good. definitely better than mine from March. didn't get any feedback so gave up Can't wait for chapter two.

By the way, you should remember that the æmons reflect a person's personality. I don't think a wasp really reflects a head teacher too well.

(Also, what timespan is this after the Amber Spyglass? I think it's four years but can you confirm?)

By the way, you should remember that the æmons reflect a person's personality. I don't think a wasp really reflects a head teacher too well.

Well, it could be a queen wasp, to represent authority.

(Also, what timespan is this after the Amber Spyglass? I think it's four years but can you confirm?)

Yes. It's four years.

Mm, but then i doubt a queen wasp would let people off first time round-they'd just sting. But good ideas. chapter two=cannot wait.

“Today... brings a whole new level of truth to the saying, ‘Reality is stranger than fiction.’”
- Jack Alexander, Chicago Reporter, the day of The Split

Chapter 2 – Long walk home

Will didn’t bother checking Mr. Herbert’s pulse. He knew immediately that he was gone. Instead, he turned to Kirjava, who was still sitting under the desk, and whispered, “Was that… Was that really his-”
“I think so,” answered Kirjava in a trembling voice.
“What’s happening?”
“I don’t know… We should see what’s going on in the hall.”
Will nodded and stood up, then opened the door. The sight that met his eyes was exactly what he had been fearing. The hallway was filled with people running aimlessly, all panicked, with their daemons chasing after them.
“This isn’t possible. It’s happened to everyone,” Will said to Kirjava.
“We can’t stay here.” Kirjava responded.
“You’re right. We’ve got to get home so we can…”
They looked at each other, and both shouted in unison, “MUM!”
“We need to go now!” yelled Will.
They began to walk at a swift pace, all the while glancing around at their surroundings. Nearly everyone was scared out of their wits. Having never seen a daemon before, they had no idea that these creatures were part of them, and assumed that they were all wild animals. The daemons tried to call to their humans, but of course the people’s minds were so consumed by fear that they didn’t hear them at all.
There were, however, a few people who weren’t running. They faced their daemons… and spoke with them… and were beginning to understand what they were… But these people constituted a minority. Most people simply ran, with the only destination on their minds being “away.” But Will knew that “away” would be their end. There were already several dead bodies on the ground, belonging to those whose daemons couldn’t keep up. Will cringed, but kept walking.
He turned a corner to see a boy about his age running at him. “OUTTA MY WAY!” shrieked the boy. Instead of letting him pass, Will held his ground and grabbed him.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” cried the boy, “I GOT A WOLF AFTER ME!”
“LISTEN!” shouted Will, “You need to calm down-”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN CALM DOWN?! IT’LL KILL ME! LET ME GO!”
“The wolf won’t kill you. Now turn around, and talk to it.”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING-”
Will quickly turned the boy around. The wolf was right there in front of him.
“O-o-o-oh my g-g-g-g-g-god,” he managed to whimper, and then the wolf spoke.
“Listen to me,” she said.
The boy eyes widened. “D-did you just…?”
“Yes. I spoke.”
Will loosened his grip on the boy
“But how is that… What the hell’s going on?!”
Will had now completely let go of the boy and was walking away.
“I… I don’t know,” said the wolf
“But… What are you?”
“I’m not fully sure… But I think… I think I might be… part of-”
That was the last Will heard of the conversation before he walked out of earshot. He was glad that what had just happened turned out as well as it did. The boy was fairly muscular, and that fact along with the burst of energy from the adrenaline would have allowed him to easily break free, but he had managed to complete his goal before the boy even attempted that.
He reached toward Kirjava, who promptly leapt into his arms. He began to walk toward a girl who was talking to her daemon, a dove. Kirjava seemed to be agitated by this.
“Will! No more distractions. We need to get home and see if Mum’s okay,” she said.
“This will only take a minute, and it’s for as noble a cause as what I did for that boy.”
“Yes, but-”
“Excuse me?”
The girl looked up at Will. “W-what is it?”
“Do you have at least a basic idea as to what these creatures are?”
“… Yeah. I think so.”
“Good. You can help, then.”
“Help with what?”
“Most of the people here don’t know yet that they are connected to them, and they are in such a panic that all they can think to do is run. I don’t know whether or not you’ve figured this out yet, but if they get too far from their dæ-… their animals… there is a very good chance they’ll die.”
“Die?!”
“Yes, die. That’s why I need your help. You see, when they run, their animals might begin to fall behind. When that happens, the distance between them will become too great, and then it will be over for them. They need to be calmed down and informed what these animals are. If they aren’t, they continue to run the risk of death. You need to do everything you can to inform them. Also, if you find anyone else who already knows what they are, tell them what I’ve told you; they can also help.”
“... Okay… I’ll do it.”
“Thank you.”
As Will began to walk again, Kirjava turned to him.
“You took too long.”
“I took as long as I needed to.”
“Will, the later we get home, the more likely it is that our mother will be dead when we get there.”
“Don’t you ever say that, Kirjava! She will be okay. I know she will.”
“No. You hope she will.”
“Kirjava! I’m just trying to make a difference! Is there anything wrong with that?!”
“I know you want to help people, but if we get home and she’s-”
“She won’t be.”
Kirjava going about to say something else, but decided against it. She looked ahead to see that they were approaching the front door of the school. Will felt slightly reluctant to open it, fearing what he would see on the other side.
“We need to keep going.” Kirjava said quickly, sensing his reluctance.
So he opened the door, and the sight that met him was far worse than anything that he had seen before that. In addition to the horrible fear and people dead from intercision, the streets were filled with car accidents, and deaths far more bloody than the completely intact bodies he had seen in the halls. He took a deep breath and continued forward.
After several minutes of walking, he noticed that the panic was subsiding. There were far less people running, and about half the people now were speaking to their daemons. Since they could see these conversations everywhere, many of those who were running were catching on and slowing down. Will began to hear a strange sound from above, so he looked up and was surprised to see a helicopter. Someone inside it began to talk over loudspeaker.
“Attention! Stop running! The animals will not harm you! Stay with the animal that is following you at all costs! I repeat: Stay with the animal that is following you at all costs!”
Almost every remaining person in the area who was running stopped. The helicopter continued to another part of the city and repeated its message there.
“Well, the government was sure quick to respond,” said Will nervously.
“Yes. And look, the news stations too,” said Kirjava, looking towards a nearby electronics store.
Will looked over at a television in the window. On it was a reporter talking about what was happening. Her daemon must have been behind the desk, for he didn’t see it on the screen. There was no audio, but Will could see a large block text at the bottom of the screen which instructed viewers not to run from the animals. Will didn’t watch for long, and continued down the sidewalk after several seconds. As he continued onward, he heard a female voice behind him.
“Will? Will Parry? Is that you?”
He turned around to see a brown-haired girl, about a year older than himself. Her name was Melanie Jones. She had moved to England from America about a year ago, and went to Will’s school. She transferred mid-year, however, to go to a school more reminiscent of an American high school, to ease the culture shock. Even though she was more of an acquaintance to Will than anything else, he was happy to see a familiar face amongst all the chaos.
“Melanie! Are you all right?”
She took a deep breath. “Yeah… Will, have you seen James at all?”
“… No. Not since this morning.”
“Are you sure? You didn’t see him at all after… whatever happened… happened?”
“No… I’m sorry.”
She stood there for a few moments, and then began to breathe heavily. Will noticed a tear had managed to escape one of her eyes, but she quickly wiped it away. She then looked down and placed her hand on her forehead. Her daemon, a squirrel on her shoulder, moved close to comfort her. She tensed up at first when he did this, but then relaxed again and stroked the squirrel’s back. She looked at Will again.
“So,” she said to Will, “yours is a cat, huh?”
“Yeah,” he said slowly, looking at Kirjava.
She chuckled nervously. “This is all so weird.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s crazy.”
“Isn’t it? And you want to know the strangest thing of all? I’ve been talking to him,” She indicated her daemon. “and you know what’s funny? He’s me. Yeah, it’s completely insane, I know, but he really IS ME! Well, a part of me anyway, but still…”
“I know. Same thing here- Ow!” Kirjava had just nipped his arm. “Um, I’m sorry, but I need to get going,” he said.
“Okay. I’ll see you.”
Will began to walk again, and as he left, he heard the girl’s daemon say, “Come on, Melanie. The sooner we get home, the better.”
The rest of the walk was relatively uneventful. He did see a search and rescue team pulling people out of wrecked cars at one point, but he didn’t slow down to look.
Finally, he arrived at Mary’s flat (he and his mother had moved in with her after the adventure four years ago.) He slowly opened the door and stepped in, fearing the worst. Upon entering, he heard the sound of the television. For a second, he felt relieved, but then realized that his mother might have just left it on before everyone’s daemons appeared. He moved slowly forward, turning the corner to the living room, and there she was.
She sat on the couch, watching the news. Her daemon was a lemur, and sat beside her on the couch. Will was somewhat confused, because she didn’t seem very scared. Will expected her to be horrified and frantic when he got home, if not worse. But she seemed unusually calm for the current situation. Will continued to watch her silently, when she suddenly turned toward him.
“Will… You’re okay…”
“Yes. Don’t worry, Mum. Everything’s going to be fine. We’ll be alright. I…”
Unable to help it, he found himself setting Kirjava down on the floor, then running to his mother, hugging her tightly.
“I’m just so glad you’re okay,” he said, tears streaming down his face.
“Likewise, Will,” she said, “Likewise.”

*****

For the rest of the day, they watched the news, and learned how these events were being handled; Nobody was quite sure what to make of these animals. Scientists were baffled so far, but continued to work frantically. The religious community, on the other hand, was divided, some believing that the animals’ appearance was a true miracle brought forth by God, and others insisting that what happened was caused by Satan. By now, everyone knew the animals were part of them, but barely anything more than that.
The incident had come to be officially known as “The Split.” The title was an obvious reference to the animals splitting off from their people, becoming semi-separate entities. The split had happened everywhere in the world at once, leaving not a single person unaffected. The experience was the same for everyone as well; A short spasm, during which the animal appears.
As for what to call the animals, there was still much debate. “Spirits,” “Familiars,” “Consciences,” and “Souls” were some of the many names being thrown around. Will noticed, however, that not once was the word, “daemon” used. Of course, because of the similar word, “demon,” which meant something evil, nobody even thought to call them that .
The damaged caused by the initial panic was so great that the government decided to close all public areas. All individuals were to remain inside their homes until further notice. There were several exceptions to this rule; People who volunteered to help with cleanup were allowed out, as well as people whose jobs were still required, such as search-and-rescue, news reporters, and so on.
Most of the things Will heard on the news didn’t surprise him, but there was one report that caught his attention: There had been a nuclear explosion that had occurred in the Rocky Mountains that day. The cause of the explosion was a mystery and that made Will suspicious. The interesting thing about the report, however, wasn’t the explosion itself, but the time it had occurred. The explosion occured at the very same second that the spasms began. When Will heard this, he knew that it wasn’t a coincidence. The explosion and The Split had to be connected, somehow.

*****

Will was lying in bed, Kirjava next to him.
“Kirjava,” he said quietly, “What do you think will happen?”
“I don’t know, Will,” she replied, “I honestly don’t know.”
“Is there anything we can do about this?”
“No. Not now. We don’t even know if something should be done.”
“Well, we can try to find out why The Split occurred.”
“Mary’s in a better position to do that than we. She’s in the United States, where the explosion occurred.”
“Yeah… But what can we do in the meantime?”
“Nothing, for the time being. All we can do is wait, and see how things play out.”
“But Kirjava, do you think everything will turn out alright?”
“We can only hope…”
“Then let’s hope…”
Will shut his eyes, and allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

glad to see the good work is being kept up. cant wait for part three.

Damn, does this mean I no longer have a monopoly on nuclear weapons as HDM fanfic plot devices?
Seriously, though, this is really good. I look forward to reading more.

may not happen, i think. last visit by iangate: 4th aug

Damn, does this mean I no longer have a monopoly on nuclear weapons as HDM fanfic plot devices?

You never did What about the orbital zappers in The Clockmaker's Girl, eh?

imence - but you have writers blog? or just got better stuff to do
and of cource - still not as good as pullman....but the idears are spectretific

how about they go to the mountain and theres a new window? to a mulefa like world.
but the maker of this window is not to be found- with an angel outside and the demons are visable because the 1st one has been opened and it will only last for a few days?

or how about a monkey come and comits suiside
oh i have the best idears

Even though there is no activity here in a number of months, I'll do here what I'd really like others to do for my fic - "the praise and the criticism".

The praise:

- The very idea!
- The writing, the pace
- The general "realism" (as in "one could believe in the world described)

The criticism:

- I don't believe Dr. Mary Malone would leave a mentally unstable woman completely without adult supervision. She would probably get a neighbour or friend to visit her a couple of times a day. This would not destabilize the plot much (the worry in the very first paragraphs would be more "out of the blue" but that may be a part of the point)

And a finer point that is not really criticism - more like possibly useful information. It seems unlikely that the word "daemon" did not spring up as a name for the animals among computer professionals. A daemon is not always something evil - it is also a continuously running process in Unix like operating systems. If Will gets online he may well encounter it, especially because he would probably search for the word on the Internet (this is around the year 2000 so Google is in full swing, although he may prefer Yahoo or MSN searches). Of course it's different if the Internet was shut down, but I see no cause for this (in fact the corporates would fight that tooth and nail, as this is their only way to continue work).